I was talking to my friend from undergrad, a roommate from sophomore year, about how I had a lot of free time on my hands and that I couldn’t wait to get back in the gym.

Me and this girl used to work out together all throughout college even though distance separated us a lot. The summer before I started grad school, we both worked in Soho and we linked up a couple of times to work out. Even when I had free time from school and some breaks, I would call her up and we would go to the gym together. When we couldn’t go together, we would tell each other about our workout and our progress for the day.

I stopped.

School had gotten in the way by the beginning of the second semester.

She stopped.

She was applying to grad school and working overtime to make some extra cash.

This summer we went to the gym together once. We vowed to stay in touch and keep each other informed on how our workouts were going.

I started.

Summer 2017, I made it to the gym after my internship and after work. Sometimes I would even go in the morning on the weekend to get a fresh start to my day.

She stopped.

She was going to the Caribbean to start med school, but I knew she would stay fit because America is the obesity capital of the world.

I stopped.

I could no longer fit time into my schedule to go to the gym. I believe my last day at the gym was in September. It’s December. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror, in the Snapchat camera without a filter, in my camera roll camera, in the reflection of the window on the subway, walking past the windows in the city, on FaceTime, in the reflection of my dark iPhone…anywhere.

Three months and I don’t know how many pounds later, I’ve found myself having to start over. The thing about starting over is that it’s sooooo hard. And as I sit here and type this I’m tearing because I’m dreading the drastic changes that I have to make. For me, gaining weight is so fucking easy, but to lose one pound takes months. To get that cut, that gorgeous definition will take half a year. ALL BECAUSE I WAS TOO CONSUMED IN SCHOOL TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

I have to start over.

While on the train I texted my friend. She’s home for the holidays. I find solace in talking to her, because she’s seen me at my worse. A 230 lb sophomore who desperately wanted to change, but didn’t have the will. I told her

“I was sad today because I really have to start this weight loss journey all over again.”

She gave me the talk. The “you can do it” and “you’ve come a really long way” talk. And I sat there, on the train looking at myself in the reflection of the window. Those words resonating with me. “I can do it!” and “I really have come a long way.” But I just need to start.

It’s all about the discipline. I have to eat clean and train mean to be lean. 

So for the 1,000th time I’m going for it again. And this time I PROMISE myself, I won’t let myself go or fall off track.

Thanks for listening.

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